This IS – or May Soon Become – The Greatest Post Ever – The funniest Amazon Reviews of All Time

The funniest Amazon Reviews of All Time
Every once in a while, I come across an Amazon (or other) review so funny I just have to share them, usually by emailing links to friends. Today this happened again, and I decided it was time to create The Ever-Evolving List of Awesome Reviews, Comments, and Random Idiocy. This is that List.

These first three are the BIG THREE. They’ve got a cult following, and you may already have seen them. The most popular Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer review boasts 49,482(!) “helpful votes” to date; it’s probably the most read review anywhere on Amazon, which you’ve got to admit is pretty damn impressive for the least useful device ever. Ever. Without further ado, may I present The Big Three!

Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer
The life-changing Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer. From Amazon here

49,482 of 50,056 people found the following review helpful
No more winning for you, Mr. Banana!
By SW3K on March 3, 2011
For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. “Use a knife!” they say. Well…my parole officer won’t allow me to be around knives. “Shoot it with a gun!” Background check…HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I’ll call it South Side Story.

Banana slicer…thanks to you, I see greatness on the horizon.
434 Comments Was this review helpful to you?
Yes

No
29,081 of 29,815 people found the following review helpful
Saved my marriage
By Mrs Toledo on July 30, 2012
What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn’t already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone…. this is one of the greatest inventions of all time. My husband and I would argue constantly over who had to cut the day’s banana slices. It’s one of those chores NO ONE wants to do! You know, the old “I spent the entire day rearing OUR children, maybe YOU can pitch in a little and cut these bananas?” and of course, “You think I have the energy to slave over your damn bananas? I worked a 12 hour shift just to come home to THIS?!” These are the things that can destroy an entire relationship. It got to the point where our children could sense the tension. The minute I heard our 6-year-old girl in her bedroom, re-enacting our daily banana fight with her Barbie dolls, I knew we had to make a change. That’s when I found the 571B Banana Slicer. Our marriage has never been healthier, AND we’ve even incorporated it into our lovemaking. THANKS 571B BANANA SLICER!

1,563 of 1,661 people found the following review helpful
To the Research and Development Department
By K. Johnsrude on December 19, 2012
Before I invest 2 bucks in this bit of ingenuity, please tell me: What went wrong with models #1 through #570?
14 Comments Was this review helpful to you?
Yes

No
4,323 of 4,681 people found the following review helpful
Kirk Cameron’s banana slicer
By Noah on August 7, 2012
If God does not exist, then how is it that a banana fits so perfectly in this banana slicer? CHECKMATE, ATHEISTS!

Tuscan Whole Milk
Tuscan Whole Milk. Go ahead. You’ve earned it. Taste the difference! From Amazon, here

14,605 of 14,853 people found the following review helpful
Make this your only stock and store
By Edgar on July 8, 2008
Once upon a mid-day sunny, while I savored Nuts ‘N Honey,
With my Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gal, 128 fl. oz., I swore
As I went on with my lapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at the icebox door.
‘Bad condensor, that,’ I muttered, ‘vibrating the icebox door –
Only this, and nothing more.’

Not to sound like a complainer, but, in an inept half-gainer,
I provoked my bowl to tip and spill its contents on the floor.
Stupefied, I came to muddle over that increasing puddle,
Burgeoning deluge of that which I at present do adore –
Snowy Tuscan wholesomeness exclusively produced offshore –
Purg’ed here for evermore.

And the pool so white and silky, filled me with a sense of milky
Ardor of the type fantastic of a loss not known before,
So that now, to still the throbbing of my heart, while gently sobbing,
I retreated, heading straightway for the tempting icebox door –
Heedless of that pitter-patter tapping at the icebox door –
I resolved to have some more.

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
‘This,’ said I, ‘requires an extra dram of milk, my favorite pour.’
To the icebox I aspired, motivated to admire
How its avocado pigment complemented my decor.
Then I grasped its woodgrain handle – here I opened wide the door; –
Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams of Tuscans I had known before
But the light inside was broken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only words there spoken were my whispered words, ‘No more!
335 Comments Was this review helpful to you?
Yes

No
6,265 of 6,444 people found the following review helpful
One Friday, Without the Milk
By Catherine Swinford on October 30, 2006
He always brought home milk on Friday.

After a long hard week full of days he would burst through the door, his fatigue hidden behind a smile. There was an icy jug of Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz in his right hand. With his left hand he would grip my waist – I was always cooking dinner – and press the cold frostiness of the jug against my arm as he kissed my cheek. I would jump, mostly to gratify him after a time, and smile lovingly at him. He was a good man, a wonderful husband who always brought the milk on Friday, Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz.

Then there was that Friday, the terrible Friday that would ruin every Friday for the rest of my life. The door opened, but there was no bouyant greeting – no cold jug against the back of my arm. There was no Tuscan Whole Milk in his right hand, nor his left. There came no kiss. I watched as he sat down in a kitchen chair to remove his shoes. He wore no fatigue, but also no smile. I didn’t speak, but turned back to the beans I had been stirring. I stirred until most of their little shrivelled skins floated to the surface of the cloudy water. Something was wrong, but it was vague wrongness that no amount of hard thought could give shape to.

Over dinner that night I casually inserted,”What happened to the milk?”

“Oh,”he smiled sheepishly, glancing aside,”I guess I forgot today.”

That was when I knew. He was tired of this life with me, tired of bringing home the Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz. He was probably shoveling funds into a secret bank account, looking at apartments in town, casting furtive glances at cashiers and secretaries and waitresses. That’s when I knew it was over. Some time later he moved in with a cashier from the Food Mart down the street. And me? Well, I’ve gone soy.
75 Comments Was this review helpful to you?
Yes

No
2,981 of 3,077 people found the following review helpful
Chateau du Lait Blanc, watch out!
By Philip Tone on August 9, 2006
One should not be intimidated by Tuscan Whole Milk. Nor should one prejudge, despite the fact that Tuscan is non-vintage and comes in such large containers. Do not be fooled: this is not a jug milk. I always find it important to taste milk using high-quality stemware — this is milk deserving of something better than a Flintstones plastic tumbler. One should pour just a small dollop and swirl it in the glass — note the coating and look for clots or discoloration. And the color — it should be opaque, and very, very white. Now, immerse your nose in the glass and take a whiff. Tuscan transports you instantly to scenic hill towns in central Italy (is that Montepulciano I detect?) — there is the loamy clay, the green grass of summer days, the towering cypress. And those gentle hints of Italian flowers — wild orchids, sunflowers, poppies. Then, one takes in the thick liquid and lets it roll across and under the tongue — what is that? perhaps a hint of a nutty Edam cheese? With Tuscan, you feel the love of every dairyperson involved — from the somewhat sad and deranged farmhand shovelling steaming cowpies to the bored union milk maiden dreaming of leaving this soul crushing life behind for a job waiting tables for obnoxious American tourists in Siena. But not too fast — sip gently, slowly, or one is in danger of not only missing the subtleties of the milk’s texture and its terroir, but — if chilled too long — also of giving oneself a blinding ice cream headache. Nay, savor the goodness that only dairymen and dairywomen working at the apex of their craft can deliver. Tuscan is best drunk young — no, no, don’t cellar this gem — I guarantee you’ll be sorry if you do. I recommend pairing with freshly baked macadamia nut scones. Milk Expectorator gives this one a 92.
21 Comments Was this review helpful to you?
Yes

No

Whole Frozen Rabbits from Amazon
A classic for the Ages – Whole Frozen Rabbits. It doesn’t get much better than that. From Amazon here

3,301 of 3,479 people found the following review helpful
I know what it’s like to be a feral dog
By M. Rosen on August 6, 2007
Like many suburban homeowners, I like to kill and eat the wild animals that populate my backyard. To keep it sporting, I hunt naked, with my teeth and long sharpened fingernails as my only weapons. I’ve feasted on squirrel, raccoon, vole and numerous songbirds. But no matter how long I lay spread eagle and motionless in the hot noonday sun, I have never been able to outwit and catch any of the plump and juicy rabbits that hop just outside my reach and then bolt for the woods when I leap forward with a blood-curdling shriek. I have chased them at a dead run through the yards of the many unoccupied homes that surround mine but the pursuit always ends in frustration. But no more, thanks to Amazon. Every week, I order a fresh whole rabbit and affix it to a remote control car that is operated by one of my children. This way, I get the thrill of the hunt, and when the car’s batteries are exhausted, I can leap upon it, bury my teeth into the rabbit’s soft flesh and perform my ritual victory dance right there in the Walgreen’s parking lot.
41 Comments Was this review helpful to you?
Yes

No
313 of 332 people found the following review helpful
Poached
By Coffreak on January 19, 2013
When poached in Tuscan Milk there is no hare with which to compare. I’m thinking some sliced bananas would be a great garnish. If only I could slice them…
9 Comments Was this review helpful to you?
Yes

No
Therm-a-Rest RidgeRest SoLite Sleeping Pad

A review of a pad meant to go under a sleeping bag. From Amazon here

20 of 28 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars BETTER THAN A MILITARY PAD (for shorter missions), November 12, 2011
By Hard Core Camper
Amazon Verified Purchase(What’s this?)
This review is from: Therm-a-Rest RidgeRest SOLite Sleeping Pad (Sports)
I have not found Therm-a-Rest’s inflatable options to be reliable. I am only deducting one star, because this item is a bit pricey, for what it is.

I ride urban mass-transit, to get around town and there is a real possiblity that I will get stranded, on the far side of the city, after the busses stop running so, I prefer to carry SOME sort of light-weight sleep-system, with me, whenever I am going to be more than ~3 miles, from my efficiency condo, downtown.

This RidgeRest SOLite provides 3 enhancements, over a shortenned military closed-cell pad, cut to equal length … (1) it is narrower than a military pad, and does not stick out (very far) beyond the side-pouches of my CamelBak Motherlode Hydration Pack. (2) This SOLite pad provides a modicum of heat reflectance and will insulate me from cold ground or concrete. (3) This pad also traps “dead-air” between the ridges.

I surmise that this pad is certainly a bit lighter, per linear-inch, than a military pad and will roll into a slightly more compact diameter, as well.

So … I carry this pad, an Adventure Medical Thermalight Bivy 2.0 and a fleece sleeping-bag liner (Magellan) whenever i am more than an hour’s hike, from home (whenever it is practical to do so). Certainly not the most comfortable sleep system, but can ease my level of discomfort, if an un-planned bivouac, is in the cards.

Not outrageously priced (as are many Therm-a-Rest products) but, a bit less expensive would be even better.

It will do, in a pinch.

Hang on, so this guy carries this gear with him anytime he travels more than 3 MILES from his home, in case he needs to camp in downtown? That. Is. Awesome.

Canned Unicorn Meat

Looking for something different for dinner tonight? How about Canned Unicorn Meat. From Amazon here

4,789 of 4,873 people found the following review helpful
Tastes Like Spam
By George Takei TOP 1000 REVIEWER on July 9, 2013
When my shipment of unicorn meat from RADIANT FARMS finally arrived, I prepared the fragrant pate as a maki roll, wrapped in seaweed and spread over some sushi rice, with a little unagi sauce on top. This had been a staple during WWII when spam was standard issue in Hawaii, and it was how my cousins used to prepare it. Ah, the memories. I even had a half carafe of cold, unfiltered sake to pair with it.

Unfortunately, I found this unicorn meat brand to be quite similar to spam, both in texture and blandness. I’d been hoping for that zestier kick that comes from the rump cuts of other mythical and fantastical creatures, such as griffins or centaurs (for the latter, serve only the back half of the creature with guests, or it gets awkward).

Apparently, as Dateline recently reported, “farmed” unicorns are force-fed mostly genetically modified grains, rather than their natural diet of skittles and ecstasy pills. California in fact is ready to ban the practice and sale of such meat by referendum. Moreover, certain European countries were caught mixing in regular horse meat (yes, disgusting) so you never really know how pure the unicorn is.

I say stick with fresh. I highly recommend TOM RIDDLE brand unicorn steaks, which arrive still oozing restorative blood. Ground into patties, they make a great burger.
64 Comments Was this review helpful to you?
Yes

No
813 of 853 people found the following review helpful
Delicious!
By “Halo” on June 18, 2011
Of course this isn’t as good as fresh, but who has time to hunt unicorns these days?

I’m a busy professional so I don’t have the luxury of just grabbing my bow and quiver and spending days in the high glens hunting fresh ‘corn. This product allows me to come home from a hectic day and enjoy a meal packed with that special nutrition only unicorn can provide. I even keep a few cans at the office for those late nights.

But seriously, this is a great, funny and ‘tasteful’ gag gift. We received ours from a relative last Christmas and as it was unwrapped everyone burst out in laughter when we saw what it was. The unicorn meat comes in a Spam-shaped can, complete with funny but realistic product information on the side labels.

This gift was enjoyable enough as it was, but then my wife pointed out that the can lid can be pried off to reveal plush unicorn ‘parts’ inside. Very clever and a great deal of fun for the price. I’m going to be giving a few out to co-workers this Christmas.

One last note: I don’t think this gift would be appropriate for small children due to the small stuffed parts as they might be a choking hazard.
12 Comments Was this review helpful to you?
Yes

No
1,241 of 1,346 people found the following review helpful
The Agony of the Unicorns
By V. Zhirinovsky on April 21, 2012
Don’t order this product if you have a conscience. The unicorns in the industrial unicorn farms live in appalling conditions, in many cases worse than those of the pegasus ranches. Don’t believe the propaganda of Lisa Frank and the other tycoons of big unicorn; all that awaits these poor creatures is the abattoir and the rainbow factory. Be ethical and buy (kosher) dragon meat instead.
20 Comments Was this review helpful to you?
Yes

No

The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee

Understated sophistication. The Essence of Manliness. Nature at its Finest. The Greatest Tee Shirt Ever Conceived. From Amazon, here

35,724 of 36,132 people found the following review helpful
Dual Function Design
By B. Govern on November 10, 2008
Color Name: Dark GreenSize Name: Boys 2-4
This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that’s when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to ‘howl at the moon’ from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn’t have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn’t settle for the first thing that comes to him.

I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.

Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the ‘guns’), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.
339 Comments Was this review helpful to you?
Yes

No
8,842 of 8,962 people found the following review helpful
Howl at the Heavens!
By George Takei TOP 1000 REVIEWER on April 24, 2013
This shirt has changed my life! Before, I couldn’t walk through the aisles at Wal-Mart, graze on the buffet at Sizzler, or even take in a round at my local miniature golf course, without people pointing and saying, “Hey, you’re that Zulu guy from Star Wars, aren’t you?” Even if I wore sunglasses, I’d still get mistaken for Yoko Ono.

But with The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee, the SHIRT now draws the eye. One young teen even shyly approached me, and instead of asking for a picture or an autograph, simply smiled conspiratorially and whispered, “Team Jacob, right? Me, too. He’s sooooooo dreamy.”

Yes he is, young lady. Yes. He. Is.
84 Comments Was this review helpful to you?
Yes

No
9,539 of 9,755 people found the following review helpful
Great compliment for my skin art
By overlook1977 on May 19, 2009
Color Name: Dark GreenSize Name: Medium
Unfortunately I already had this exact picture tattooed on my chest, but this shirt is very useful in colder weather.
24 Comments Was this review helpful to you?
Yes

No
1,234 of 1,304 people found the following review helpful
Three wolves is just two wolves plus another wolf
By Seth G. Macy on May 19, 2009
Color Name: Dark GreenSize Name: Medium
I had a two-wolf shirt for a while and I didn’t think life could get any better. I was wrong. Life got 50% better, no lie.
10 Comments Was this review helpful to you?
Yes

No

1,525 of 1,634 people found the following review helpful
Great value!!
By Dan on May 21, 2009
Color Name: Dark GreenSize Name: Medium
For you left brain types out there, who are still unsure on whether or not this shirt would make a wise purchase, allow me to break it down for you.

Most shirts like this only contain one wolf. This shirt has three wolves, plus a moon. You are basically getting three wolves and a moon for the price on one wolf. You won’t find that deal anywhere else.
5 Comments Was this review helpful to you?
Yes

No
3,146 of 3,380 people found the following review helpful
Why can’t Amazon have more stars? 5 ain’t enough!
By T. Guymon on May 6, 2009
Color Name: Dark GreenSize Name: Medium
So I’m looking for threads that say, “Hey baby…I’m real boss!” when I stumble upon this epic creation. The wolves spoke to me in a language all their own; it was like German, Mongol, and Bitchin all mixed together. I mean, one wolf howlin at the moon is major…but three???

I ordered next-day air (if only there was same day!), and, of course, a size smaller than usual to ensure the closeness of the wolves to my chest hair. When the package arrived, I tore it open, and I SWEAR angels sang. I think it was Freebird. I immediately removed my “No Fat Chicks” shirt, and replaced it with this finery. Lemme tell you: AW YEAH.

I’ll spare the details of my conquests since I started wearing this shirt; suffice to say, I’m swimming in a sea of babes the likes of which are usually found on those K-Tel infomercials. I’m also more confident at work, and expect to be promoted to cashier soon. I owe everything to this shirt (I should say “shirts”, since I now own 23 of them).
23 Comments Was this review helpful to you?
Yes

No
221 of 232 people found the following review helpful
Life-altering!
By Murray Mc Dougall on May 12, 2009
Color Name: Dark GreenSize Name: Medium
When I put this T-shirt on for the first time, my wife left me!

Thank you, Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt!
3 Comments Was this review helpful to you?
Yes

No

Uranium Ore

Uranium Ore – I find I can never have enough on hand. From Amazon, here

14,512 of 14,792 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Great Product, Poor Packaging May 14, 2009
By Patrick J. McGovern
I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty.
138 Comments |
Was this review helpful to you?
Yes
No
5,584 of 5,803 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars So glad I don’t have to buy this from Libyans in parking lots at the mall anymore. January 21, 2009
By Kyle J. Von Bose
I bought this to power a home-made submarine that I use to look for prehistoric-era life forms in land-locked lakes around my home town in Alaska. At first I wasn’t sure if this item would (or could) arrive via mail, but I was glad to see it showed up with no problems. Well, almost no problems.

Unfortuantly my mom opened my mail, because she does not respect people’s privacy. She was pretty upset to see Uranium Ore. After a long argument and me running away from home again, she finaly stopped being such an idiot and I was able to get back to work.

The quality of this Uranium is on par with the stuff I was bying from the Libyans over at the mall parking lot, but at half the price! I just hope the seller does not run out, because I have many projects on my list including a night vision sasquatch radar, an electromagnetic chupakabra cage, a high velocity, aerial, weighted Mothman net and super heated, instant grill cheese sandwhich maker.
78 Comments |
Was this review helpful to you?
Yes
No
4,554 of 4,761 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Ok for cleaning teeth, not so great for killing ants.. December 3, 2007
By Nero Goldstein
Picked this up for use in one of my kid’s ‘diversity’ projects in school (Great Success!), and stuck the leftovers in the cabinet next to the baking soda.

Ran out of toothpaste, and remembered how you’re supposed to be able to use baking soda to clean your teeth, so of course, I accidentally used this instead, and Wow! all I can say is, my teeth have never been cleaner! They sparkle, they tingle, and for some reason, they STAY clean now, no matter what. Highly recommended!

However, when I ran out of that fire-ant killer powder stuff, I figured I would try some for that too.

Big mistake!

Boy, it sure did not kill those ants!

Fortunately, those suckers get slower as they get bigger, so I have been able to use a shovel to take care of most of them, one at a time though, the sneaky devils.

And the darn trash man refuses to take them away..

I would have given this product 5 stars for the teeth and the project on embracing diversity, but I deducted one star because of the giant mutant ants.
25 Comments |
Was this review helpful to you?
Yes
No
597 of 638 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars The Traveler’s Friend September 14, 2012
By Shady Ave Reader
Whenever I fly I always pack a can of this wonder stuff in each piece of my luggage. As we all know, so many bags look alike. How often do you get to your hotel, only to find you have walked away with the wrong bag, and are forced to wear a stranger’s underwear for the rest of the trip? We’ve all been there right? So when that confusing luggage starts whirling around the baggage claim carousel I just whip out my Geiger Counter and let the uranium go to work for me. I merely wait for those comforting clicks (and after longer flights look for the glowing hot spot) and I know I have found my bags. Occasionally airlines lose my bags (yes, it does happen people). But whenever I fill out that claim form, and let them know my uranium is missing – well I tell you, they literally SPRING into action. They’ll track down that errant bag faster than you can say “Chernobyl.”

And I cannot tell you how many new friends I have made in TSA and Customs since I’ve adopted this sure-fire system. Nothing brightens their day quite like finding a traveler with potentially fissionable material. Throw away those gaudy rainbow bag straps forever and step into the atomic age. It’s no longer just uranium, it’s my-ranium. Thanks Amazon!
6 Comments |
Was this review helpful to you?
Yes
No
457 of 492 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Great Gift for a Hostile Dictator December 6, 2007
By Robert Becker
Sent this as a Hanukkah gift to President Ahmadinejad. Got a thank you card back saying he loved it and I was his favorite infidel. Kudos to Amazon for a great product and fast shipping to Tehran.
3 Comments |
Was this review helpful to you?
Yes
No
584 of 631 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Journal entry, day 91… November 17, 2009
By J. Laury
It’s been almost 100 days since I “disposed” of the Uranium Ore I purchased from Amazon.com. Seeing as how they sent me 10 orders instead of 1 I thought it would be alright to dispose of the two or three cans in the backyard. 91 days later and I’m barricaded in my house, beseiged by mutated grasshoppers, bees, wasps, and ants the size of ponies. My food stores are dwindling; I only have a few gallons of Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz left, though a spritz of Uranium Ore has kept it fresh all this time. I’m down to my last box of Fresh Whole Rabbit as well. Even though I had to kill them (again), some of the Uranium Ore I used on the Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz has also helped them stay fresh during these past few months.

I’m not sure how much longer I can last here, the noises coming through the walls is constant, day and night. The scratching and scraping, the buzzing and chirping these mutated monsters make around the clock is, I fear, driving me inexorably further to the brink of insanity. I know that soon, I’ll take my chances outside the door of my home and fight for survival in a world gone mad; but with my newly grown wings and the lobster-claw appendages that have sprouted from my back, I might just have a chance after all…

***5 stars, I mean come on, this stuff gave me wings and arms with lobster claws on them coming out of my back, how bitchin’ is that???
8 Comments |
Was this review helpful to you?
Yes
No

Accoutrements Horse Head Mask

It’s a mask. Of a horse’s head. For some inexplicable reason, it’s horrifying. From Amazon, here

9,448 of 9,596 people found the following review helpful
Horsing around
By George Takei TOP 1000 REVIEWER on June 19, 2013
I purchased this mane-ly for anonymity, but instead it was a night-mare that saddled me with un-bridled panic.

At a recent Comic Con, I donned the mask wearing my best track suit, jockeying for a simple laugh: “What do gay horses eat?” I queried, eager to bray “Heeeeeyyyy!!” Comic gold, friends, I know.

But the neigh-sayers came unglued. “No! You’re George Takei! I know that voice!”

Now, it doesn’t take a gallop poll to know what happened next. I hoofed it out of there with herds of fans riding my ass, shouting till they, too, were…horse.
102 Comments Was this review helpful to you?
Yes

No
3,110 of 3,173 people found the following review helpful
They called me crazy, but who’s the giant horse now?!
By R.L.R. on November 5, 2010
Amazon Verified Purchase
This mask imbues the wearer with super-human abilities. The power to make everyone around you feel akward and uncomfortable being first among them. After wearing the mask for several days my identity was consumed and replaced. There is only the horse now. Best purchase I ever made.
23 Comments Was this review helpful to you?
Yes

No
841 of 863 people found the following review helpful
My Transformation is Complete
By ByronicHero on December 3, 2012
Amazon Verified Purchase
It is day 87 and the horses have accepted me as one of their own. I have grown to understand and respect their gentle ways. Now I question everything I thought I once knew and fear I am no longer capable of following through with my primary objective. I know that those who sent me will not relent. They will send others in my place… But we will be ready
21 Comments Was this review helpful to you?
Yes

No
415 of 436 people found the following review helpful
Why don’t you have one?
By Ian on October 23, 2011
Amazon Verified Purchase
The biggest question I get asked is, “Why do you have that?” I simply reply, “Why don’t you have one” and the gallop away and eat some grass.
2 Comments Was this review helpful to you?
Yes

No

How to Avoid Huge Ships
It’s a sign of the times, people. I think, if we’re honest, it’s safe to say we all know someone who’s had problems with Huge Ships. Buy this book now; it just may save someone you love. From Amazon, here

2,109 of 2,154 people found the following review helpful
A Parent’s Review
By Noel D. Hill on February 20, 2011
Format: Paperback
As the father of two teenagers, I found this book invaluable. I’m sure other parents here can empathize when I say I shudder at the thought of the increasing presence of huge ships in the lives my children. I certainly remember the strain I caused so long ago for my own parents when I began experimenting with huge ships. The long inter-continental voyages that kept my mom and dad up all night with worry. Don’t even get me started on the international protocols when transporting perishable cargo. To think, I was even younger than my kids are now! huge ships are everywhere and it doesn’t help that the tv and movies make huge ships seem glamorous and cool. This book helped me really approach the subject of huge ships with my kids in an honest and non judgmental way. Because of the insights this book provided, I can sleep a little better and cope with the reality that I can’t always be there to protect my kids from huge ships, especially as they become adults. I’m confident that my teens, when confronted by a huge ship, are much better prepared to make wiser decisions than I did. At the very least my children certainly know that they can always come to me if they have any concerns, questions or just need my support when it comes to the topic of huge ships.
20 Comments Was this review helpful to you?
Yes

No
2,174 of 2,224 people found the following review helpful
Reads like a whodunnit!
By Citizenfitz on December 21, 2010
Format: Paperback
I bought How to Avoid Huge Ships as a companion to Captain Trimmer’s other excellent titles: How to Avoid a Train, and How to Avoid the Empire State Building. These books are fast paced, well written and the hard won knowledge found in them is as inspirational as it is informational. After reading them I haven’t been hit by anything bigger than a diesel bus. Thanks captain!
9 Comments Was this review helpful to you?
Yes

No
2,783 of 2,859 people found the following review helpful
TOO Informative.
By Dan on December 25, 2010
Format: Paperback
Read this book before going on vacation and I couldn’t find my cruise liner in the port. Vacation ruined.
18 Comments Was this review helpful to you?
Yes

No
504 of 536 people found the following review helpful
Good Advice For Most Readers, But Doesn’t Cover All The Bases.
By Jamie on January 18, 2012
Format: Paperback
There is one major oversight in this generally well-written book, and that is that it addresses animate readers exclusively. As a large rock in the Tyrrhenian Sea off the coast of Giglio Island, I have recently been confronted with instances in which avoiding huge ships was of fundamental interest to my personal well being. However, the methods presented in Capt. Trimmer’s book were none too useful in my efforts to avoid huge ships, as I was recently struck by a very large ship indeed, a cruise vessel called the ‘Costa Concordia’. I think the ship came off slightly worse in the exchange, but the experience was disruptive to my afternoon and rather jarring. In a situation such as this, Capt. Trimmer’s advice would have been immensely beneficial to humans, fish, seabirds, and other animals, but I am none of those things. I’m a big rock. I can’t zig-zag or duck and cover. Rocks don’t do that. I’ve tried. I tried some time ago to scoot over to the left a bit to get some better sunlight, and it took me three thousand years! That’s not fast enough to avoid even the slowest huge ships. It is for precisely this reason that I would advise Capt. Trimmer to augment his original volume with a section intended for readers like me; perhaps “How To Avoid Huge Ships If You Are A Rock, Iceberg, Or Coral Reef”. There is a market out there for this, Capt. Trimmer, and I assure you it would be well worth the time and effort.
8 Comments Was this review helpful to you?
Yes

No
555 of 592 people found the following review helpful
Now I know what that steering wheel thingy is for
By Cap’n Crunch on January 30, 2011
Format: Paperback
This book really is one of the best huge ship avoidance references I’ve come across, not just for the effective methods it teaches as to avoiding huge ships, but also for exploding some of the huge ship avoidance myths that many of us take for granted.

For example:
– Do not charge the huge ship at full speed in an attempt to scare it off. This may work with coyotes, but it is less effective with huge ships.
– Similarly, do not roll your boat over and play dead. Unless the huge ship is captained by a grizzly bear, this will not work.
– Do not attempt to go under the huge ship. This is typically not successful.
– Do not attempt to jump over the huge ship.

Captain Trimmer presents a rather novel technique for avoiding huge ships – move your boat out of the path of the huge ship. I know what you’re thinking, this goes against conventional wisdom, but Trimmer presents significant empirical evidence to support his theory. Indeed, over the long run, moving out of the way will dramatically decrease the number of huge ship collisions you will have to endure in your daily life.
6 Comments Was this review helpful to you?
Yes

No
898 of 968 people found the following review helpful
Wake Up, Haters!
By Madeleine B. on December 13, 2010
Format: Paperback
I’m a little annoyed with the sarcastic “reviewers” of this book. You all seem to think it’s funny that some people would honestly like some expert advice on ways to avoid huge ships. What, you’ve never been traveling at a very, very slow speed straight toward something really, really big that you could see for miles and miles away, and wished you’d known what steps you could take to avoid crashing into it? Well, all I can say is “congratulations!” What’s it like to be so perfect? You haters just keep on enjoying your huge-ship-collision-free little fantasies. I for one am going to buy this book and learn something, because I live in the real world, where huge ships and the dangers they present to people like me are actually a serious issue.
12 Comments Was this review helpful to you?
Yes

No

That’s it. It’s over. Go home. Go!

No! No! Wait! Because you know what? It’s not over. Do you know what the best part of this post is? Do you? It’s that it will never end. There’s a whole world full of funny people out there writing ridiculously awesome stuff about products we can’t believe are made, usually on company time. That’s the kind of thing that made America great, after all. And I’m going to continue to collect them here for you, Dear Reader, so help me God. So subscribe to this post, and you will get an alert each time I add another masterpiece. I will add them to this post until together we create a behemoth that will once and for all answer the question “How big can a single WordPress post be?” Because you may not be aware of this, but no one seems to know. It’s one of the Mysteries of The Universe. But I’m getting off-topic.

So if you’ve got a tip, leave it in the comments. If you’ve seen a review or comment so amazing you can’t believe such majesty could exist in a flawed and terrible world, leave it in the comments. And you will be immortalized. And together, we will make the world a better place. One time-wasting, pointless, terrifyingly wonderful succulent little nugget of comedy gold at a time. Together.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *