Right. So. This is something of a public service announcement.
In this great and wonderful world we live in, there are certain things which simply do not go together Pickled herring and strawberries come to mind. Plaids and polka-dots are another. Let us now add to the list Russia and Mexican food. I’ve long noticed that the further you get from the point of origin of a type of food, the less it resembles the authentic item. Makes perfect sense, right? Of course, there are solutions to this problem. Diaspora is one. Why is it you can find good Italian food in seemingly every country on earth? Because Italians move around a lot. Also, because Italian food rocks, so the demand is there. But, you need both those elements to move a cuisine 10k km from its homeland and have it resemble the original in any way and succeed. And unfortunately, my informal research indicates that in all of Russia there are between 0 and 3 Mexican people. And none of them work at Rock Pub in St. Petersburg. That much is abundantly clear. And thus, you get what you see above. Well call them “Nachos”, though we really shouldn’t. I just can’t think of a better word. Perhaps “Nauseachos” would be better.
It’s as if whomever is responsible for this ungodly creation had once, in 1991, seen a picture of nachos from Dodger’s Stadium, and decided he should re-create them from that picture. I mean, the Berlin Wall had just fallen, the USSR was slowly disintegrating, and as this man sat in a basement apartment in St Petersburgh, the Scorpions “Wind of Change” playing in the background, anything seemed possible. And this man had a dream…of serving affordable Mexican food in a basement bar while AC/DC pounded out a two hour playlist and mixed tables of Americans and Russians drunkenly sang their National Anthems to one another for no particular reason. This dude was a visonary.
So, he started with some chips. It’s pretty easy to find the right sort of chips, so passing marks there. Then, of course, he needed cheese. Here he ran into a bit of a problem. It needed to be orangish. No problemo. In the picture, it looked really smooth. What did he have that’s really smooth? Mayo! Butter! He used one of those. Probably butter. And it’s supposed to be cheese, so he added just a pinch of powdered cheese to it. Butter and powdered cheese. Done. Voila! Nachos alla Russia. Awesomeo.
Through the most tenuous of threads, this whole thing reminds me of an old SNL skit, so here it is for your viewing pleasure.